It’s me again. Thank you for accompanying me crying for hours last night. I know I have been silly for having those thoughts but thanks for bearing with me.
Every time when the darkness engulfs the earth, I would whisper to you till I fall asleep quietly. Although I have never seen you in my whole life, I know you are listening. I know you understand my heart more than anyone else.
This little faith of mine. That great love of yours.
Sometimes I am envious. Sometimes I am worried. How could I ever be by your side? How could I love you more than anyone else? How could I stand out from the herd of sheep that you are taking care of?
Soon I turned grey. I stayed out from the herd. I watched you from afar. I wasn’t moving along and you waited for me. You called out for my name and I turned a deaf ear.
I refused to be bathed, to be cleaned from the dust and mud of the earth. Soon, I got darker and darker. The herd of sheep avoided me. They called me the Black one, the Sinned one.
I was angry and upset and I turned away. On my feeble legs, I climbed up the cliff. I could see you going through that herd of sheep. Were you looking for me? I sneered, you will never see me ever again so just leave me alone.
Why were I crying for each steps that i walked away from you? Why every lift of foot become heavier? What force is holding me back?
I could hear you calling out my name. It was becoming clearer and clearer. Soon, the sound fainted out. I was almost there, to the top of the mountain. Just a few more steps and I would be at the top of the world. I collapsed on the ground. Instead of a force that was pulling me back, it became a pulling force. Like a corpse, lifelessly been dragged to the pile of skulls.
I saw death. I felt what it is called hopeless. I saw fire was engulfing the skulls, mountains are collapsing. And I heard a faint call of my name.
No, don’t turn back. I refused to turn back. I am a disgrace. You will never love me again. But I couldn’t move. Tears couldn’t be held back.
Deep in my heart, there was fear. Fear that I will never see you again. Fear that you would never love me again.
Fear of rejection.
You lifted me up and said, let’s go.
Let’s go home.
For that moment, everything turned white. And I slept soundly and peacefully in your embrace.